I have witnessed a lot of talk recently about moving past comfort zones... pushing people past them, how the Shift will do that... so I have found myself turning the witness deeply inward (the only place that really 'works' for me, at least) to observe... where, really, is the 'comfort zone'? What does it look like? Feel like?
For most, it is a place where our inner whatever feels 'safe'. So, first, I looked there... what part of me needs to feel safe? That was the first clue.
Inner statements that make you go 'hmmmm'. The question, from awareness, was observational. The feeling response was, if I am radically honest, from the place of the inner Judge. Well, little brat, what part of you still needs to feel safe? That's not why you came here! Hmmm. So I looked at that inner structure.
And REALIZED... 'my' comfort zone, the hangout of the ego, is DISCOMFORT, which can segue "zero to sixty" into self-punishment, self-torture, et al, which are all symptoms of self-hatred. Do I really still 'hate' my own (perceived as) weakness? Apparently.
Well that bites. I have lived a warrior's life, pushed myself 'beyond limits' and what today's insight is, is that it came from my spiritual commitments, yes. AND, the ego has co-opted this feeling into something it can beat 'me' up with... Again with hmmm.
Yesterday, my friend Lynn said "I was...and suddenly realized I was feeling something I had not felt in a long time... and I realized I was HAPPY!". This week I have had that same experience. It feels a little like "Oh yes, I remember..." what is actually just 'happy'feels like ecstatic buoyancy to the body, that has endured my self persecutions for decades now. Hmmm. NO, no visceral mortifications, the idea of hair shirts and beds of nails never appealed... well, maybe the nails, on a really weird day. So, hey, that's martyrdom... why? Is some sort of sacred/sainted/silly martyr 'my' comfort zone? I asked this, in all integrity, and got 'no'... that part has been worked through.
HOWEVER, the 'comfort of discomfort', is still an internalized fear of back-sliding, of hearing one of my teachers' voices saying "comfortable is complacency and that will get you every time"... hmmm. So comfort was anathema, to this piece of 'selfness'.
My choice, in this moment, and for all moments going forward is to release the attachment to discomfort, release the choice to do the 'uncomfortable' (just another face of 'doing it the hard way') and find the authentic flow of ecstatic authenticity that TRULY supports all aspects of the Divine that my core knows we all are.
Just a few thoughts for a Friday.
May Every Blessing Find you!